To Her Coy Professor
(with an apology to Andrew Marvell)
by Richard Compean
If demands and schedules weren’t so tight
What a marvelous essay I would write.
I’d analyze Andy and his love
Take my inspiration from above
I’d read and write not coy but deep
Research by night instead of sleep.
Of course, I’d carpe more than diem
E’en bring Mona from the French museum.
I’d Google this, and Yahoo that
I’d Twitter and text, Facebook and chat.
I’d check EBSCO and JSTORS, even MLA
Make sure my essay would kick some A.
A month alone on the intro I’d spend
And at least a fortnight on the end.
A week I’d spend per paragraph
And be sure to always include a laugh.
My thesis would stir your heart and mind
Insight and wisdom you’d be sure to find.
Professor, you deserve such work
To prove to you I’m not a jerk.
But alas my paper is due next week
And grandma’s feeling kind of weak;
Mom’s drunk again, and dad’s asleep
And there are promises I have to keep.
Boyfriend Tom wants to jump my bones
And Billy’s got the PC on Game of Thrones.
I’m really not one who likes to whine,
But the boss has asked me to work overtime.
I’ve read the text, even taken some notes
But the boat I’m in just barely floats.
These aren’t excuses and they aren’t fake—
All I’m asking for is just a break.
So here’s the deal I’d like to make
To convince you that I’m not a flake.
My best shot though short is what you’ll see
It’ll be what it’ll be, but at least a C
I’ll critically think, dance an SLO,
Do my best to impress with what I know,
Write once, write twice—not just a draft,
Use some of the tools of the writer’s craft.
Thus, though I may not get an A
You’ll really like reading what I have to say.
Despite all odds I’ll pass your class
Do better than many another lass
And when I do you’ll remember me
As the one who earned a Lady’s C (+?).
Richard Compean holds both an MA and a Ph.D from UC Davis, and teaches comp and lit courses at San Francisco City College.